Md. Shawkat Alam Faisal

"Villains are not born; they are created"—this term contains a profound reality that defies the conventional tales we frequently accept without inquiry. In civilizations where filial responsibility is highly engrained, children who abandon their parents are viewed as ungrateful, uncaring, and cruel. The idea of an elderly person bemoaning that their offspring have sent them to a nursing facility elicits both pity and fury, with blame nearly invariably focused at the children. But rarely do we pause to consider what caused this separation. Why would someone willingly cut ties with the folks who raised them?

The emotional weight of such stories lends itself to painting a one-sided image in which the elderly are always victims and their children are the villains. It is awkward, if not unsettling, to consider that the story could be more complex. Perhaps the child who now refuses to care for their elderly parents was once a helpless child who suffered years of mistreatment, neglect, or abuse. In our culture, parental power is unquestionable. Questioning it is frequently met with opposition, with the belief that a parent has an unassailable right to discipline their child how they see suitable. However, this discipline frequently crosses the line into abuse, leaving long-lasting psychological scars.

There is a troubling pattern that repeats itself across generations. A child who grows up in dread of their parents may show respect, but they will never truly love them. The bruises, harsh words, relentless belittling, and smothering control do not form connections of affection; rather, they sow seeds of resentment that blossom over time. A parent may believe that rigorous punishment is in the child's best interests, and that obedience and submit demonstrate good parenting. But obedience born of fear is fleeting—it lasts only until the youngster is old enough to flee. Once free of parental influence, they must decide whether to forgive and continue the relationship, or to walk away and heal on their own terms.

This takes us to the disturbing reality that many people refuse to acknowledge. The same parents who feel betrayed and abandoned in old age may have once betrayed their own children's trust. The recent viral video of a father abusing their child serves as a harsh reminder of this. In a fit of rage, a woman beats her child despite the fact that he had done nothing wrong. It is a picture that is all too typical in homes where physical punishment is acceptable. Society dismisses it as "strict parenting" or "necessary discipline," but how does it appear from the child's perspective? To them, punishment is brutal, and affection is a reminder that their feelings are unimportant. Years later, when that same child chooses to remove themselves, society will rush to condemn them, ignoring the suffering that led to their decision.

Nobody is born with resentment toward their parents. A youngster enters the world seeking love, stability, and warmth. If they receive these, youngsters will develop into adults who naturally reciprocate care. However, if they grow up in terror, constantly walking on eggshells to escape punishment, they will learn that their parents are oppressors rather than guardians. They learn that love in their home is conditional, and that they are only valued if they comply without question. This awareness eventually hardens into emotional detachment. And one day, when the roles are reversed and the parents are in need, they may be met with the same indifference to their child's anguish that they once demonstrated.

This does not imply that all children who distance themselves from their parents are justified. There are several cases where children, despite being nurtured with love, care, and sacrifice, turn their backs on their aging parents out of selfishness, greed, or outright disregard. In every community, there are those who regard their parents as burdens rather than people who have committed their life to raising them. Many families have black sheep—children who disrespect their parents from adolescence to maturity, take advantage of their goodwill, and forsake them when they are no longer needed. They are not acting out of trauma or pain; rather, they are heartless.

Some people abandon their elderly parents without a second thought, refusing to check on them. Others take advantage of their parents financially, only to abandon them when they have nothing more to give. These people taint the actual hardships of those who have endured at the hands of abusive parents, making it more difficult for society to discern between justifiable alienation and simple neglect. In such circumstances, the children, not the parents, have failed as human beings.

This is not to suggest that every case of parental abandoning is justifiable, nor that every parent-child relationship fits this pattern. However, this is an important point of view. In a society where children grow up hearing the stories of Bayazid Bostami’s devotion to his mother, we must question what went wrong that led some to do the exact opposite to their parents. Before blaming children for abandoning their parents, one must consider what prompted that decision. Love must be nurtured, not demanded. Respect cannot be forced upon a youngster; it must be gained through love and understanding. A nasty parent should not be surprised when their child chooses to leave in their old age.

"What goes around comes around"—particularly in the case of abusive parents. Life has a tendency of forcing people to confront the consequences of their choices, and those who have caused anguish to their children frequently find themselves abandoned during their most vulnerable years. Even from a religious standpoint, this principle holds valid. In Islam, one of the most well-known supplications for parents is: "My Lord, have mercy upon them as they brought me up when I was small." (Surah Al-Isra, 17:24). This prayer emphasizes the belief that parents' generosity and care for their children in childhood will be repaid to them in old age. What if the upbringing was characterized by fear and harshness rather than love and mercy? Can a youngster truly pray for their parents' well-being if all they remember is pain? The heart of this supplication is reciprocity: if a parent nurtures with love, they will get compassion in return. However, if they raise their children harshly and neglectfully, their children may turn away when they are in need.

The unfortunate truth is that many parents, in their desire for control, unintentionally shape their own fate. Loneliness in old age is not usually the outcome of an ungrateful child, but of a child who was raised to believe that their grief was insignificant. And when that child is eventually given the opportunity to choose, they may choose a life free of the folks who formerly caused them pain. The cycle of villainy does not begin in maturity, but in childhood. Villains are not born; they are manufactured.

The writer is a Columnist and an Apprentice Lawyer at the Bangladesh Bar Council.